For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
[本文英文原文链接：REGRETS OF THE DYING]
—————–原文翻译—————–
很多年来，我一直给病人做临终关怀工作。我的病人都是即将死去的人。我将和他们一起共享一段非常独特的时光。我陪伴他们走过生命的最后3到12周的时间。
当人们需要面对自己的死亡的时候突然会变得成熟很多。我已经学会了永远不要低估一个人进步的能力。他们有些变化是非常惊人的。每个人都会经历各种的情绪演变，正如你能预料到的，怀疑，害怕，发怒，懊悔，拒绝接受到最终接受这样的事实。每个病人在临终前都找到了办法让自己的灵魂得到安息——每个人。
当问及他们有什么后悔的或认识到应该以另一种方式去做的事情时，相似内容的倾诉反复的出现。下面就是最常见的五个：
1. 我希望我能活得更真实些，而不是按照他人期望的方式生活。
这是最最常见的一种悔恨。当人们认识到自己的生命即将完结、回首人生时，终于看清楚了这一点。有多少还未实现的梦想自己心里很清楚。大多数人甚至没有兑现自己一半的梦想，当死亡无可逃避时才认识到，这都是自己某些选择或不选择造成的。
对一个人来说，最重要的是你要努力一次，这样至少能让你的某些梦想得以实现。当健康离你而去时，一切都太晚了。健康给人带来的自由很少人能认识到——直到不再拥有它时。
2. 我希望我不是工作的那么辛苦。
每个我看护过的男性病人都会提到这一点。他们错过了他们孩子的童年，疏漏了和他们爱人之间的情谊。女性病人也会谈到这一点。但因为她们大多数都是老一代人，很多的女性病人都不是生计的负担者。所有的男人都会深深的后悔不该耗费如此多的生命在那些周而复始的无聊工作上。
让生活变得简单点，有意识的做出些选择，你会发现实际上并不需要你认为的那么大的经济支撑。给生活多留些空间，你会变得更快乐，而且因此你会发现有更多的新的机遇，它们也许会给你带来一种全新的生活。
3. 我希望我能表达出自己的感情。
很多人用压抑自己的情感来保持与他人的和平相处。这样造成的结果是，他们始终生活在一种没棱没角、普普通通的人生状态中，永远不能成为自己真正能够成为的人。很多人因为怨恨和愤懑而积郁成疾。
我们不可能控制别人的反应。然而，虽然人们会因为你改变了处事原则、变得直言不讳，起初出做出些抵制反应，但最终这会使你和人们之间的关系上升到一个新的、更健康的层次上。不论是不是这样，或你丢弃那些不健康的人际关系，你都是赢家。
4. 我希望我能一直和朋友们保持联系。
通常是在生命的最后几周，他们才真正的意识到那些陈交旧友的可贵之处，可惜的是，此时已不知他们身在何处。很多人因为让自己的生活如此忙碌，以至于岁月的流逝让那些金子般的友情也流失殆尽。众多的深深悔恨都是关于没有给那些本应该花时间和精力培养的友谊以足够的重视。每个人在临死前都会想念他们的朋友。
对那些整天忙忙碌碌的人来说，友情很容易从身边溜走。但当你面对即将到来的死亡时，生活里物质内容逐渐褪去。人们当然想尽可能的处理好身后事。但这并不是说金钱和地位是他们真正关心的，他们想处理好身后事真正的目的是为他们所爱的人铺平道路，尽管此时他们已经无力完成这些事情。最终全都归结到爱和友情上。这就是在生命最后几周还恋恋不舍的东西——爱和友情。
5. 我希望我能过的更幸福些。
这是常见的后悔中让人意外的一个。很多人在生命终结时才知道幸福原来是一种生活的选择。很多人坚持生活在老的生活模式和习惯中。熟悉的“安逸环境”麻痹了他们的各种感情，禁锢了他们的实际生活。害怕改变的心态使他们欺骗自己和他人说：我已经很满足了。但在内心深处，他们渴望真正的大笑一次。
在你的弥留之际，你都会考虑些什么事情——这些对你似乎还是太遥远的事情。就在这太遥远的死亡还没有来临之前，你是否意识到了，我们还能够睁开双眼露出微笑，这是多么美妙的事情。
生活是一种选择。它是你的生活。主动的选择，智慧的选择，真诚的选择。请选择幸福。
